There is no Spoon.

You know you are in trouble when:

a) at the post-surgery consult, the doctor ignores both your husband and your son who happen to be in the room with you.

b) he pauses just long enough from the patient / doctor conversation to look with apparent frustration at your two-and-a-half year old son, who is making some noise and running around the office. He's two, Sir. Two.

c) upon your inquiry as to what happened during the (failed) lymphocele surgery, he simply states: well, the lymphocele is not the problem.*

d) when asking him for a further account as to why this lymphocele now (quite abruptly) not the problem (despite it being clearly discussed as “The Lymphocele Problem” since late last July), he begins the dialogue by sighing, rubbing his face and announcing: I don't know how to explain this to you to get you to understand.*** What? See that onus there, sir? Yeah, the one laying on your lap? Yeah, that one. That onus is on you, dear man, to at least try to find a way to explain why the lymphocele is suddenly not the rai·son d'ê·tre for my ongoing kidney problems.

e) when Sean pushes further for an explanation, the surgeon leans back on his chair and spouts out big-word-medical-jargon-stuff about chopping a man's scrotum off (see amendment #1 below), and the ensuing scar tissue that resulted.****

f) he does not answer any more of your questions, Not one. No wait, that’s a lie. When asked about the possible risks involved in the proposed upcoming lymphocele treatment,*** he replies “I don’t know. Look it up on google”*****.

And that, dear friends, is how you know you are in trouble when visiting with your surgeon for your post-operative appointment.****** And that’s also when you decide its time to contact the Mayo clinic.




* what the fuddlyduddlechuckamuck nonsense is this? He might as well have been sitting there with a spoon in his hand, stating, "but there is no spoon". There IS a spoon, dear sir. There is a spoon. 

** if this spoon reference is lost on you, please take the next six plus hours of your life and watch the Matrix movies. Or, if you are a busy person, just watch the first one. It's the best one anyway. 

*** to which you think: try me. I’m actually rather smart.

**** I get it. I have been around the operating table a few too many times and now I have an abnormal amount of scar tissue in my belly. I also get that this scar tissue, along with this lymphocele, may be a reason for all the swelling and pressure issues I’ve been experiencing. Yes, I get it; it is not a difficult concept (see footnote above: I am not a simpleton. At least not the last time I checked). But using the example of chopping some unfortunate man's balls off as your example? Really?

***** this would involve intrusively large needles, ethanol injections into lymphocele and (as far as I can figure) a lot of pain. And it might not work.

***** true story.

****** to his credit, he did agree with me that a post-lymphatic surgery CT scan is a judicious move, and one that would give us some idea what this good ol’ lymphocele is up to. So he went above a particular nephrologist’s decision not to permit me a follow-up CT, and ordered one to be completed early next month.

#1 amendment: Sean has brought it to my attention that it was a prostrate that Dr. Slice and Dice used as an example, and not a scrotum. My mistake.Scrotum sounds so much better though.